


Bruised and Battered

by GreyHaven



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 04:14:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10325375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyHaven/pseuds/GreyHaven
Summary: Set in Series 4, Episode 1, what Nathan might have been thinking





	

**Author's Note:**

> My first posting on AO3 :)
> 
> Minor change to canon at the very end - just dialogue
> 
> Inspired by the lyrics from Bruce Springsteen, Streets of Philadelphia
> 
> "I was bruised and battered, couldn't tell what I felt, I was unrecognisable to myself"

**** Nathan stared at his reflection in the mirror and winced as he took in the bruises, the dried blood.  He couldn’t feel the injuries.  He poked his ribs where a large black bruise was evidence of a hell of a punch from the other guy.  Nothing.  He scrubbed the blood from his face, reopening the wounds there.  Blood flowed freely from the gash above his eyelid, dripping down his face.  His lip was split and he tasted blood in his mouth.  He spat into the sink, running water and watching the blood being washed away.  He looked back to the mirror, his wounds now cleaned up, and took in the rest of his appearance.  His hair was dirty and matted, his previously designer stubble now more like a birds nest than a beard.  He couldn’t bring himself to care about what he looked like.

He didn’t need a shrink to tell him why he was doing this.  It was nearly 6 months ago now.  6 months that he’d lived without them.  

Audrey had been so brave, going into the Barn.  She knew it was the only thing she could do to stop the Troubles.  He hadn’t been thinking straight, not in that moment, not watching the love of his life walk away forever.  He didn’t know shooting Howard would destroy the Barn, he just wanted revenge on someone, wanted to take out his grief on someone else.  He didn’t even feel it when Jordan shot him.  He could understand why she did, she wanted her own Trouble gone.

If that hadn’t been bad enough, he’d sent Duke into the Barn.  He could see it collapsing, thought it would be the only chance to save Audrey.  Duke hadn’t even hesitated.  He’d just leapt into the disintegrating barn because Nathan had told him to.  Oh, he knew Duke loved Audrey as much as he did, knew he would have done anything to save her, but he couldn’t forgive himself to sending his best friend to his death.

Now they were both gone, gone forever.  Maybe they would come back on the next cycle, 27 years later, but he wouldn’t be around to see them.

He thought that maybe, just maybe, he could have lived with his actions if the Troubles had disappeared like they were supposed to.  If he’d been able to feel again.  If everyone else was free of their affliction.  Instead, the Troubles had stayed.  Not only had he lost the two most important people in the world to him, but the rest of the town hated him and the Guard wanted revenge.

No, he didn’t need a shrink to tell him why he was letting strangers beat him up for money.

He glanced at himself in the mirror one last time, pulled his shirt on and went back outside.  Maybe this time he would get lucky.  Maybe this time would be the time that killed him.  

He looked his opponent in the eyes and watched the large fist smash into his face, knocking him back on his heels.  Blood sprayed from his nose again and he wiped it on his sleeve.  He faced his opponent again, waiting for the next punch.

He was only dimly aware of a voice telling them to break it up.  It sounded familiar somehow.  He couldn’t let himself think that though.  It had happened a lot, especially in the early days.  He would see and hear them everywhere.  He hardly dared to hope that this time would be different, he couldn’t handle the disappointment when it turned out to be his imagination.

“Nathan?”  He turned towards the voice, disbelieving, his vision still blurred after the last punch.  “Nate!”  Only one person ever called him that.  Was he really there?  Nathan wondered if this was what dying was like, maybe the people you loved came back for you.  He blinked, his vision clearing, the blurs resolving into a familiar shape in front of him.

“Duke?”  He asked incredulously.  “Duke!”  He threw himself at the other man, clinging on for dear life.


End file.
